


Headless Monks Armed With

by secooper87



Series: The Child of Balime [39]
Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Doctor Who, Doctor Who & Related Fandoms
Genre: Crossover, Episode: s06e07 A Good Man Goes to War, Humor, Missing Scene, Tales of the Slayers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-15
Updated: 2014-03-15
Packaged: 2018-01-15 19:15:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1316197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/secooper87/pseuds/secooper87
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's said that, at the Battle of Demons Run, the Doctor called in debts from all the people he'd helped, over the years.  Which, after defeating the vampires, includes the Slayers.  Guess what THEY were talking about?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Headless Monks Armed With

**Author's Note:**

> For new readers, Ria = head of Slayer Institute. Alison knew the third Doctor, due to a time travel mess-up (see the story "First Day").
> 
> Other than that, story speaks for itself.
> 
> Enjoy! I think it's funny.

"…and that's the plan for the Battle of Demons Run," Ria announced to her Slayers. "Any questions?"

"Yeah!" said Kennedy. She pointed at the diagram of the Headless Monk on the diagram. "How many Headless Monks do we have to kill to get the flaming sword?"

Ria looked between the diagram and Kennedy. "We're not killing any Headless Monks," she reiterated. "The Doctor wants to do this without any deaths. We just swoop in, cause a distraction, let Rory pick up his wife and his baby, and everything's—"

"Oh, come on!" Carla complained. "It's a flaming sword! I mean, how cool is that?"

"I bet if I had a flaming sword, I could knock out ten Voxil Demons in a single sweep," said Amanda.

"I bet _I_ could knock out _twenty_!" said Mindy.

Ria sighed. "None of you actually paid attention to anything past the phrase 'Headless Monks armed with flaming swords' did you?"

"What if we just go in there, before the Doctor even shows up," Vi suggested, "and steal all the flaming swords from the Headless Monk locker room or wherever? Then when the Doctor shows up, we can run in and mow the evil Doctor-killing baby-snatcher guys down!"

The Slayers all seemed to think this was a pretty good plan.

"I'm sorry, but no," Ria announced. "It's the Doctor's plan, the Doctor's companion, and the Doctor's decision. And if he doesn't want us to kill anyone, we're not killing anyone."

"Not even to get the world's coolest weapon?" complained Alexia.

"Which could help us defend the Earth from tens of thousands of alien and demon threats, when we get home?" said Phoebe.

"And could probably close the Hellmouth just using the power of its awesomeness?" Hyacinth added.

Ria put her hands on her hips. "We are Slayers!" she reminded them. "We kill alien invaders and monsters without souls. We don't kill humans — no matter how cool their weapons are!"

"Not even if they kidnap and torture pregnant women and then steal their babies?" said Kennedy. "And try to kill the Doctor — who's one of our biggest allies?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure all of that falls under the 'kick ass' clause of the Slayer Constitution," Phoebe added. "Or maybe Amendment One."

"With swords like that, it can fall under whatever the hell you want," Amanda muttered.

Ria sighed. She could already see the Doctor, in the distance, gesturing at her to come over and help him talk strategy with the others. And it was clear that she was getting _nowhere_ , here.

"Faith," said Ria. "Take over for me, here. I'm going to see what the Doctor wants."

* * *

Faith watched, as Ria departed. Waited until she got far enough away that Faith was pretty sure she couldn't hear.

Then gestured at the Slayers to come in closer.

"So… these are the creeps who wanna kill the guy who wiped out all the vampires and saved all our necks," Faith said. "For no good reason. Right?"

Everyone nodded.

Faith glanced over at the Doctor and Ria and all the others. Then leaned in, a little closer. "Long as the Doctor doesn't hear about it," she whispered, "I say, Headless Monks?" Faith shrugged. "Knock yourselves out."

* * *

The battle was over.

Amy had her baby back and the Doctor was waving around his sonic screwdriver doing something sciency, and everyone else was pretty obsessed with the Doctor's companions, but…

Not the Slayers.

"And it never stops burning?" Vi enthused.

Kennedy swung her brand new flaming sword in a circle, flames leaping off the blade and sparking into the air. "Hey. It's the fifty-whatever-eth century. They can build stuff like eternally flaming swords by now."

"Humanity in the future rocks!" said Mindy, practicing a lung with Amanda, who was also now carrying a flaming sword. "I can totally see chopping off my own head to get one of these!"

"I'd rather chop off someone else's," said Amanda, flipping over the flaming sword lunge and parrying the next blow.

Faith gave a sharp whistle, and the Slayers all swung around, hiding their swords behind their backs.

Seo and Alison, walking by on their way back to their ship, paused a moment. Looking over the Slayers, amused expressions on their faces.

"Where'd you get the flaming swords?" asked Alison.

All the Slayers looked at one another. Then, in unison, answered, "Nowhere."

"And we definitely didn't kill any Headless Monks!" Carla put in.

Alison stifled a laugh. "Yeah, neither did we."

Seo looked down at the ground. Muttering something about how it always seemed to be groups of magic monks who tried to make her father's life a living hell.

"We're getting out of here before the Doctor notices all the Headless Monks we didn't kill," said Alison. She gestured at Oliver. "Want to tag along?"

* * *

"…at which point, Amy's baby dissolved in her hands," Ria summarized, for all the Slayers who _hadn't_ stuck around to the end, "and now the Doctor's out looking for Melody Pond, and… are any of you guys listening to this?!"

All the Slayers looked up from their flaming swords. Clearly not having a clue what Ria had been saying.

Ria sighed.

Then took out her own flaming sword.

Faith seemed a little shocked. "But you said…"

"That we kill monsters without souls," Ria said. She shrugged, tossed the sword over to Faith. "I decided these guys qualified."

Faith caught the sword with a small grin. "Yeah. Def."


End file.
